I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

There are many different faces to the Carrie you all know and (usually) love.

This is Ahoy Carrie. 

There is Comedian Carrie, who laughs at her own jokes before she gets them out (and repeats them louder if no one laughs the first time).

There is Freakishly Positive Carrie, who believes everything happens for a reason and tries to help you see the silver lining in any situation (admittedly, she can be pretty annoying). 

There is Justify Carrie, who thinks you should do things that make you happy and can justify any bad decision from skipping a work out, drinking on a weekday or buying those new jeans you can’t afford (her law of division is genius).

There is Family Carrie, who is best friends with her sisters no matter how mean they are to her (she has a mental block on the years 1993-1997 and a strange hatred for Michael Bolton).

There is Social ADD Carrie, who typically starts a conversation at a party and leaves before the thought is complete to move onto another party-goer (she is clearly an offspring of Bob Keller).

This is Gator Fan Carrie. 

There is OCD Carrie, who only really comes out if something on her shelves is not in perfect order (Carreen somehow stayed friends with her throughout many redecorating disasters).

There is People Pleasing Carrie, who tries to do little things to help her friends and family just to try and make everyone happy (she likes when people are happy – what is wrong with that?).

There is Party-Hosting Carrie, who is really just Social ADD, OCD and People Pleasing Carrie combined (she often gives up and just turns into Drunk Carrie).

There is Drunk Carrie, who loves Chorizo Nachos and Cheetos, takes too many Red Stagg and Rumpy shots, falls asleep at the bar and begs for more meatball subs (her eyes apparently roll from time to time).

There is Hungry Carrie, who quite frankly is just a bitch.

There is Lazy Carrie, who hates washing her hair on Sundays, loves napping, and is really good at ordering in food (see her prior nap post).

Which leads us to I am really good at *fill in the blank* Carrie. This has ranged from kickball, interviewing, funneling beer, doing the Cupid Shuffle, and dating.  If you know her, you know she is actually not good at any of these things (Stay tuned for future posts for proof on some of these claims).  

Who is your favorite "Carrie?" Which ones have I missed? 

Wait...obviously I have missed Narcissistic Carrie, who writes an entire blog about herself and asks people to post. But seriously, please post. 

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

I feel like now might be a good time to let you readers in on a little secret:

I like to use abbreviations when I talk. That’s right, I am a huge fan of the abbrevs. In efforts to not lose any of my followers to the fact that you literally can’t follow my posts, I decided to do a little 101 to some of my more commonly used abbrevs. 

Now clearly these aren’t all of them (DTR, BTW, IDK) but I will define for you throughout the posts if more come up. 

Jesse Mac poses a good question - "How do you sleep?"

Over the past 28 years, I have been working towards perfecting the art of napping. I practice on Sundays, and most recently during Bears games. The last 2 times the Bears won, I have slept through the game. I am not going to say I am the only one responsible for their wins…certainly Schmelter was in a bathroom somewhere adding luck to the team…but coincidence? Not likely. 

Not that I need the Bears as an excuse to nap – I can get a little shut eye pretty much anywhere and for multiple hours at a time. But when does a nap go from being A Brief Sleep to Damn Girl, Get up?!

Time to phone a friend. If you wished to remain anonymous…whoops.

 “I think that any time one sleeps at all during the day it's a nap. (The exception to this rule is people who work at night.) But I don't think there is a limit of time one sleeps to constitute said sleep as a nap. Fell asleep for 10 seconds at your desk? You just napped, my friend.” 

– Kate Storey, published New York Post author and fellow Crazy Aunt

 “I personally experience two types of naps: 

1) Power Nap - I perfected this in college. After a night of very little sleep, I would take a 15 - 20 minute nap; drink a DDP and be on my way like I had slept all night. This is probably my most regular nap esp post baby. 

2) Drooler - My intentions are normally to just take a power nap, but I end up sleeping for 2-3 hours. Drool is not required, but very likely in my case.” 

– Rachel Hubbard, owner of this amazing bracelet company and one of the coolest moms I know 

“Very easy:

1) Duration: 30 minutes to 2.5 hours.  Anything more is sleeping, anything less is nodding off. 

2) Blanket: Required, unless in a vehicle

3) Pillow: Not necessary

4) Alcohol: No (then it's passing out)

5) Time of day: Before 6:45 AM to 9:30 PM” 

– Mike Gutmacher, Reigning World Champion Napper (and rapper – have you heard this guy??)

 “To me, a nap is anytime you are asleep between the hours of 9 AM and 7 PM, lasting longer than 20 minutes. AKA something I'm never able to do no matter how hard I try! FML! #insomniasucks” 

– Melissa Hoger, Michigan's Favorite Southern Belle

“A nap, to me, is any time you fall to sleep (or intentional go to sleep) outside of the standard night time sleeping hours.  It can be for any amount of time.  Literally 30 seconds of eyes closed sleeping constitutes a nap to me.”

– Jordan Miklos, Facebook's newest face...with an even newer wardrobe I assure

“Well my naps have changed over the years. When I first started law school, a nap generally meant I was hungover, which meant I had a half eaten bacon, egg and cheese biscuit on my night stand and Twlight on repeat in my DVD player. Now my naps generally last approximately 1-2 hours. There is no TV on, I don't wear clothes, and one or two cats is sleeping on my face...I do not nap on my couch. Only yours.” 

– Melissa Cohen, author of Queen of Cohabitation

"A nap is between 10 and 20 minutes.  0 - 10 minutes is resting your eyes.  Over 20 minutes is sleeping." 

– Chad Lovegren, World's Shortest Napper 

I napped on Sunday for only 20 minutes and the Bears lost. Time to get back to my multi-hour nappy roots. 

"Let's Not Get Physical" - A long-lost ONJ Top 40

Note who just ran 26.2 miles,
and who is holding the food. 

You see this guy here? Looks innocent enough, right? 

Wrong. This past weekend, he made me do the unthinkable. Something that makes me so uncomfortable that I am literally getting queasy just thinking about it now. Ok, I will just say it.

He made me go running with him.

If you know me, you know that I hate working out. I get red-faced and sweaty, and it brings on a not-so-attractive personality that no one needs to experience. Yes, I try to exercise every now again so that I can indulge in Sully Sticks, nachos and obscene amounts of booze. But enjoy it? Never. 

Actually….I take that back. Here is a list of exercises I enjoy:

• Walking up 2 flights of stairs to my rooftop, where there is a keg of beer and a great city view waiting for me.
• Jumping in a bounce house…until I get too winded and take on a fear of the house collapsing in on me…at which point I exit rapidly and ungracefully.  
• Dance parties at 2am in my living room to the Backstreet Boys.
• Holding Autumn. She’s a chunker.
• Waist bends to put on a new pair of shoes.
• Briskly walking from my office when I sneak out of work a few minutes before 5pm.
• Waterskiing to the lodge and back.
• Walking to a nearby brunch spot for bottomless mimosas and bloodys.
• Surfing in Australia or Costa Rica.
• Carrying a box of online purchases from my office, down to my car, and up to my apartment. 
• Yoga. This is a real workout I enjoy about 75% of the time.

…But somehow that guy got me to go running with him. He certainly is a charmer. Plus, he promised me pizza rolls at the end.    

You know what makes me stop whining? Wine.

This week there have been a few tough moments: I have been sick, one of my BFs is going through a tough breakup, my power went out this morning while I was getting ready, my friend had her wallet stolen and Super Storm Sandy bitch-slapped the east coast. So today I would like to focus on the top 10 good things happening this week. In no particular order...  

1. I changed my Modern Family calendar from October to November.
2. My friend, Michelle, is scheduled to have her baby ANY DAY NOW.
3. My sister, Kim, opened her first account at work.
4. My friend in NYC, Kate, survived Sandy without losing power, hope, or her mind.
5. I get to spend the weekend in Tinley Park cuddling by a fire with my beau, an Autumn ale, and my new Michael Kors sweater.
6. Halloween is over which means no more pictures of people carving pumpkins on Facebook.
7. I ran 2.5 miles yesterday.
8. I got my keypad to the Rogue fixed so I get to experience the joy of key-less entry again.  
9. Bob Keller is on vacation for the next week, which means I may be able to avoid a phone call on Tuesday asking me if I have voted for Romney yet.
10. I did not do ANY online shopping this week – miracle.

See? What a great week. I already have a good feeling about November!